Just Wandering

I looked up the meanings of a few words today . I found that “Ineptitude” is a noun that means the state or “quality of being incompetent” while “inaptitude” means a lack of suitability or natural inclination for a particular activity. There is a number of similar words including “ineptness,” “inability,” “incapability,” “inadequacy,” and “inaptness.” All of them odd words to describe such a large portion of the population of a nation that rose to be the pinnacle of the world. And what the hell would all this have to do with the wifes allergies? …. well … I’ll tell ya even though you’ve heard the first half already .

Some fourteen months ago the wife presented herself and insurance card to the office of a local allergist described as being in the network by her insurance company’s web site. They had her fill out the lengthy forms asking every illness since before birth and then said they can’t take her without a referral from a Doctor. They were kind enough to provide the name and address of one locally and he was kind enough to provide one. So back to the allergist with referral in hand and the office staff said

” Perfect ! we can take you in in three weeks ”

On appointment day we were told they can’t accept the referral as the Doctor isn’t her Primary Care . So we went and got the wife a primary care who wasn’t about to do anything without complete blood work , ekg etc etc. That’s when it got interesting as the nursing staff informed us of high cholesterol and the nice girl performing the EKG incorrectly informed the wife she’d likely had a heart attack in the past . Well we got past all this during the ensuing year and it was crunch time … wife wants a referral to an allergist. He refused to give it and suggested we look into some of the over the counter options. So we gave the quack the boot and went elsewhere.

The new Doctor seems quite nice. He too required fresh blood work etc. but was happy to provide a referral to an allergist. But he was quite insistant that it was at an allergy specialist in a town 45 minutes away. We had to inquire about it being in her insurance plans network and were told of course. Next step was to do an online request for an appointment . After providing all information including insurance company name, plan and ID number she was granted an appointment two weeks away. Finally a fourteen month effort to see an allergist was coming to fruition.

On arrival there after a mere 14 months two weeks and a 45 minute drive the wife was told they don’t accept her insurance. The apologetic woman who broke that news did tell us of an allergist closer to home that does in fact accept her insurance and we went there directly to enquire if they would accept the Doctors referral written for the other allergy center.

” We don’t require a referral here ” the receptionist informed  …… ??? What ??? TF .

And so she has another shot at seeing an allergist again three weeks from now. I’ll let ya know how that goes ….
Oh yeah … the allergist center 45 minutes from here called yesterday and asked that since she missed the first appointment would she like to reschedule …….

Many years ago I spent a great deal of time in Australia at both work and play . Now I spend a great deal of time in my garage in SW Florida indulging the very same . Of all the wonders Australia had to offer it did have one drawback . Fly’s . Seems the continent of Australia lacks a certain insect that eats the fly larvae in animal dung creating a breeding ground for the little black bastards like no place else on the planet . For the past two years the arrival of warmer weather here in Florida has brought something similar. My garage too, has become as thick with the aggravating little pricks as an Australian barbecue on a Sunday afternoon . Wife blames it on the small herd of chickens that arrived two years ago to take up residence at the house behind.

Wife has these feet . Two perfectly pedicured and pampered little pads . Remember the lyrics ” They got tiny little feet that go beat beat beat ” ? Well who’d have thought two small feet could be such a big pain in the ass . Back in the day when people still did that sort of thing I’ve seen bigger shoes dangling from a rear view mirror or bronzed to take pride of place on the fireplace mantle . Try buying shoes this size . Answer to this is the wife lives in flip flops and since her feet are always on display she spends enormous amounts of time on them . Soaks and dead skin removal, lotion rubs and a new color of nail polish every single week . She has more bottles of nail polish than flip flops and that’s saying a lot .

Now, the flys that come into the garage tend to congregate near the entry to the house . And they’re smart . They hide out under the bottom of the door to rush in when its opened and we’ve taken to placing sticky fly sticks near the base of the door with some success . We’ve researched all the things that attract fly’s and come up blank as to what they are so interested in . The other day I was out in the garage putting a new edge on some old chisels when the wife came out to keep me company and show off her freshly blued toe nails . Bingo. Suddenly every fly in the place had keen interest in the wifes feet and so began a new study whether scientifically sound or not .

A fresh sticky fly stick was daubed with nail polish and placed outside the garage door to quickly turn into a scene of agony and death and nary a fly in the garage . Guess I’ll have to hang it though as I had to help the opportunistic little lizards remove their tails after their attempts at a free lunch . Maybe I’ll hang it over at the neighbors ….

Was just asked why I haven’t been writing anything and I suppose that was a bit flattering to think someone would have actually noticed . Instinctively I started to mention that I really haven’t had much of interest to relate lately but that would have been a lie . Near on fifty years ago I suffered time aboard a U.S. Navy ship and on the last day I brought home with me no fond memories and a ships patch. I still have the patch with the name of the ship and the ships motto in Latin which reads ” Date Nolite Rogare ” ….. which translates to , Give, be unwilling to ask. But sometimes the issue is forced and you have to ask ….. or worse… I had to ask ships motto be damned .

We just attended our monthly swap meet in central and very rural Florida where the fashion statement of the day was as usual, a red hat worn by those who’ve been convinced that America needs to be made great again . And lots of flags and banners . Whether I like him or not I still object to the “FxxK Biden” flag flown in public with children …. especially children denied a dictionary in their school . And it’s my contention that if the large banners mounted to shade tents proclaiming “Trump Won” were true then he’d still be President instead of running a new campaign from the court house steps .

When my insurance company and home health care facility failed in providing the recently necessary post surgery daily wound care for three weeks I stood hat in hand and accepted the offer of someone with the necessary skills . She came every day with out complaint …. the very same woman I saw cooking breakfasts and making coffee for neighbors after a devastating hurricane . Make America Great Again ? Takes a little more than wearing a red hat and waiting for a con man to change your world for you … While you may may be busy standing around  in hope of making this country great ” again” you are surrounded by those busy keeping it that way .

On the eleventh day of wound care I received a phone call …..

” This is Dante of Home Health and I’m returning your call ”

And so I had to explain to Dante not to bother because after eleven days I’m already friggin dead .

Screw you Dante and Home Health …. and “Thank You Lenore” ….very much

A recent medical condition forced the issue and I found myself at the office of two different medical practitioners three times before having to suffer the indignities of a minor out patient surgery . Each of those visits began with the pre requisite blood pressure test and I was frankly feeling pretty good that each time I was coming in at the high end of normal. Considering my present age I considered this to be pretty good news.

One week after the surgery I met my new Primary Care Doctor for the first time . This is when I was told that my blood pressure is very high , like why haven’t I suffered a stroke yet high ? Her advice … or requirements … were that I obtain a blood pressure tester and take my blood pressure twice a day and record the results for three weeks and then present those results to her office. This turned into quite an education and with the help of our old friend and enemy Google I learned something about blood pressure.

I never knew, for instance, that the highest blood pressure reading of the day would always be right after awakening in the morning . I mean, I’m almost afraid to take that first stimulating sip of coffee but as the day moves on it drops to less spooky readings until late afternoon when daily routine settles in. That’s when the first India Pale Ale of the day is consumed and in defiance of all medical advice the blood pressure readings seem to plumet like an airliner out of gas . This has prompted some rather serious experimentaion on my part and with some very interesting results.

By the time the third beer of the day is going down the old systolic/diastolic numbers have dropped below that of the teen age kid that lives across the street. This not only further relaxes me but causes the reasoning that a small celebration is in order and so is another beer. I think it’s at that point of the fourth beer where clear logic kicks in and I realize the answer is simply to drink myself to better health …..

No one likes to admit they’ve no one else to blame but themselves and quite likely no one more than I. Changed health insurance this year having been lured by extra benefits at the same cost and more fool me. As a traditionlly low user of medical care facllities I’ve been a poor student of what’s a PPO , HMO , PCP or even a “network” and so am forced to embrace my ignorance … and take the blame.

Guess I was a bit slow on choosing a primary care Doctor as the new insurance company waited a month and then sent me a new card with name of one listed as my PCP . I looked her up and found she’s in a cardiology center and so I felt pehaps something along the lines of a GP { see, I’m learning } would be more appropriate and especially right now. Perused my insurance companies web site and found a Doctor they claimed was in my network with 5 star raves. Better yet, even had a nice website that allowed for new patients to set up their appointment and I did so. Even let me type out the 12 page new patient forms and print them .

Three days later I presented myself before the receptionist to discover that the miserable twat behind the counter has never heard of me. She demanded to know why I needed to see a Doctor and I explained a large painful boil on my back the size of a pregnant golf ball that is now infected and barking like a rabid dog.

“I don’t think we accept your insurance .” she said with an inflection implying zero sympathy.

A more pleasant woman in the office overheard and then took my card and ran it through the puter and said … ” Yes we do “…  and she banished me to the waiting to fill out yet again the 12 page new patient forms and of course, on both sides. I began to think things were going my way when after completing those 12 pages for the second time I was told that a Doctor could see me at 11:00 a.m. and I could come back then. At 10:40 a.m. on my way back to meet the appointment I received a call to say they don’t accept my insurance after all . Fine… I have a plan B and so presented myself to the office of the Doctor who’s name is on my insurance card next to the description of PCP. Here it was made abundantly clear that my need and request of medical services was indeed an unwelcome intrusion on their valuable time and busy schedule.

To start, they also claimed to not accept my insurance so I questioned why the name of the Doctor in residence had her name on my insurance card next to the title of Primary Care Provider . This got me banished once more to the waiting room to fill out forms where I discovered that this time there were 14 pages {both sides} . When finished the lady with a sour face informed me she now had to transcribe all these 14 pages onto the computer while I stood and waited and wondered why the hell she didn’t just transcribe the answers while she asked instead of me waisting 20 minutes with a pen. When finished she said …..

“You’re in luck, we have a cancellation and can get you in to be seen by the Doctor nine days from now.”

The fact that I could be dead from infection induced sepsis in nine days cut no ice … my mention of that was countered with …” go to urgent care or the hospital ” .

That brought me to Plan C ….

Now wait … I know this story is long and a bit drawn out but trust me, it gets longer and more boring.

Plan C brought me to the clinic where a Doctor who is now out of my “net” had rectified a similar issue for me years ago charged me $ 129.50 for a three minute interview with the explanation that he no longer does this work. Since it’s the largest infected boil he’s seen in 40 years I need to see a Pro. He gave me a precription for antibiotics and sent me to see a local surgeon that qualifies . Having then gone to the office of that surgeon to make an appointment I was told that they can’t see me with out a referral . Turns out the Doctor who sent me there is not in their “network” and his office refused to provide the necessary referral …. claiming they can’t .

Here we go … Plan D … go through the hassle of calling the insurance company for advice . Turns out that the surgeon that I was sent to requireing a referall is actually in my insurance network. On the strength of the word of an unseen office worker in Illinois with no medical background, nor having personally seen my affliction, I’m granted a much needed appointment . While the licenced medical practioner having personally diagnosed my problem cannot because he’s not in the same network ….. That’s corporate greed making sure the stockholders money doesn’t escape the “net” …

Maybe I’m not entirely to blame after all ….

I had opportunity this past week to witness something for the first time and frankly I felt it a great chance for a story . Turns out it was a great chance indeed and one I’ll likley never forget though I might have preferred to tell it years ago . It started at 6:40 a.m. when the wife and I arrived at 9300 Belvedere Rd. West Palm Beach while it was still dark. We parked amongst seven other vehicles that were already there before us with more cars quickly following . Dead on 7:00 a.m. the security personel of the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Office unlocked the doors to proclaim that those with a 7:15 a.m. appointment were to line up first and those with a 7:30 were to follow. In short order some three dozen people entered to go through the security clearance and metal detectors to sit and wait while the applicants took their turns for the interview and test required to become a Naturalised U.S. Citizen.

As expected there was one minority in particular that held the majority in that waiting room along with a few token Europeans. We became quite chatty with a nice girl from Belfast who offered her forgiveness for my being born a Brit while her American girlfiend cried over the impact the day would have on their lives . The Europeans were very confident but the nervous expressions on the faces of many of the Latinos was evident as interviews and tests obvously were never part of their daily routine . One by one they were called into offices for their interviews and tests . Those that succeeded were invited to sit in the large ceromonial hall to await their official certificate that proves they are now Citizens of the United States of America.

Not everyone was invited to wait in that hall . The African girl who spoke English with a perfect American accent was sent home as was the two young Cuban “partners” along with others. Of the twenty or so applicants that did pass I was particularly pleased that the overly nervous Mexican woman whose husband has worked the sugar cane fields in Belle Glade for the past ten years was one of the smiling faces waving the little American flag she was given. She sat next to my wife and they chatted and laughed together like old friends.

As interesting as all this was I found the follow up to be it’s equal . With well deserved pride the wife told a woman and her daughter we know that she’s just become a U.S. citizen and was instantly rewarded with

“That’s fantastic !! We are so proud of You !!”

which we quicly learned was merely one side of the inevitable aisle as the reaction to this news has so far come in two very distinctly different responses . Five out of ten to date have offered the congratulations similar to the Mother and Daughter and even a half dozen very sweet cup cakes with icing decorated with little American flags. The other five were remarkably similar to each other and I’ll assume these were said in jest ….

” Now you’ll have to pay taxes .”
” Now you’ll have to file an income tax return .”
” You’ll have to pay taxes now .”
” Did you have to pay taxes before ? ”
and our favorite … ” Now you’re a taxpayer and Welcome to MY country “

 There are lots of hints and even some surefire tell tale signs that life for the average Joe in Colombia is improving. Expensive phone addictions are more common daily and likely to become as problematic as they have become in America in short order. Not only are women buying more jewelry, they no longer seem afraid to wear it on the street. Men likewise are indulging in handsome watches used to draw attention to fresh and expensive tattoos, all signs of new found disposable income.

 I understand that schools in the United States have stopped teaching cursive handwriting and here in Colombia they never really adopted the practice in the first place. I suppose that really isn’t that big a deal anymore for who writes anything with pen and paper anymore. We type… or text and so have become dependent on keyboards large and small.  

The beautiful church tower clock seen in the distance has been inoperable for the past few years but we were sitting near a young guy the other evening who made quite an effort to make sure that all and sundry noticed his fine looking timepiece. Eventually , as I really wanted to know, and to boost his morale I asked him what time it was. He immediately stood up to pull his IPhone out of his pocket to tell us it was 8:25 . Turns out he can only read the time digitally having never learned to read the hands of a clock …… guess that too will soon become another useless skill …..

There’s an older man a few houses down with the interesting habit of asking every question in a roundabout manner. The other day he asked me point blank if I’d like to come over and see his flower garden in the back of the house. I didn’t have to wait long at all for the expected follow up …

“And while you are there, do you think you could program our new remote for the television ?“

 I notice that people in Colombia spend very little time watching television compared to people up North as they are far too busy with more important things. Like doing nothing, and sitting outside or at the countless corner stores to greet friends and neighbors. Or getting a snack from the vendors at the park as an excuse to get away from the house. 

   In the house I found his wife and and visiting adult daughter sitting in the TV room with the unopened package containing the remote which fortunately came complete with English language instructions. In no time at all it was programmed and operational and suddenly I had my first view of television in close to a month. Wouldn’t ya know, my first sight of TV and what springs to the screen but Donald Trump with his signature thumb and forefinger pose while a Spanish language broadcaster babbled on . United States citizens have endured the sight of the man on every form of media every single day , 365 days a year for the past nine and one half years and so it was with great difficulty that I stifled a laugh at the elder woman’s question …

 “ Who’s that ? “   she asked

 “ Not important “  said the man and he immediately scrolled down to their favorite channel and just in time to catch the beginning of a movie. I declined the nice offer of a fresh brewed coffee and escaped back to the street and let them settle in to enjoy a 1940s black and white western that was filmed in Mexico. Never did see the flower garden …

 No traveler to South America can possibly go home without one or two tales of their white knuckle gut ripping fear induced shit your pants experiences while out on the roads. It matters not whether it be by bus, car, motorcycle, bicycle or courageous pedestrian. I’ve personally accrued reams of them over the years and this trip is no exception. For whatever reason when a Colombian gets behind the wheel it becomes important to show their strong belief that the likes of A.J Foyt and Mario Andretti were mere amateurs. The wife will scold me whenever I make a statement like that and remind me that not “every” Colombian driver is a moronic mindless idiot with an oxygen starved brain and she would on technicality be correct as we know one … yes “one” Colombian who drives so slowly he might just as well get out and walk. 

 Road deaths in Colombia rose 24% last year over an already steep figure with over 60% of those being motorcyclists and 21% innocent pedestrians. I have little sympathy for the motorcyclists but the poor peds are being victimized by a set up. The Government has been taking steps to reduce these figures and here in our city traffic lights and stop signs have become the norm . There are even lights for pedestrians that warn when it’s theoretically safe to cross with the amount of seconds you have to make it across and on appearance that seems a good idea. In reality it doesn’t take into account the incredibly high percentages of slow witted motorcyclists that will ignore the lights and stop signs and hare around the corners in waves to plow into the hapless peds trying to get across the road .

  We’ve just returned from another trip up into the mountains with a guy we hire every year to drive us to places public transport can’t and for some reason I had those statistics on my mind. As usual I had to remind him that we are never in such a hurry that we need to pass buses on blind corners or before we reach the crest of the hill. Convincing him that taking hard right bends on anything but four wheels wasn’t a bad idea either but it took a bit more effort. It was accomplished and we finally arrived at our mountain top village destination … alive.  That’s when I got out of the car and noticed the balding rear tire worn down to the canvas ….

 Anyone in Florida needing some kind of acceptable home repair done in an efficient and proficient manner over the past few years has learned it’s at best a crap shoot just as it is in South America . Today’s story begins in Colombia some months ago when we were forced to make the sad decision to have the large tree that’s home to a pair of mating macaws removed from the front of the house. Fortunately we hired two typically inefficient bozo’s who succeeded in removing a couple of limbs before abandoning the project forcing us to seek other help. Other help informed us that our giant almond tree would in all likelihood survive the removal of one offending root allowing replacement of the damaged sidewalk. So we thought we’d chance it.

  Fast forward to this morning when I stood and watched those two macaws happily drop their quano from a great height to mess up our freshly poured concrete sidewalk. The sidewalk is definitely an improvement even if it is in appearance a typical amateurish affair but did come with a silver lining. The concrete guy proved to be a fair hand at plumbing which proved useful as two plumbers we brought to the house to repair a toilet issue the day before proved to be useless. For a start and as is commonly expected, when the concrete guy jack hammered up the previous sidewalk he got the ball rolling by jack hammering through the water line entering the house. 

  First plumber that came explained that like a cleaner who won’t do windows , he doesn’t remove or replace toilets. Second guy, complete with company uniform, explained that toilets here are seated in concrete instead of wax rings and all we need to do is reseal the edge to stop the water flowing all over the floor on every flush. This did in fact solve the water on the floor issue but the toilet then became a gurgling burping slow flushing inefficient piece of porcelain. Enter the concrete guy again who claimed an ability to solve that issue as well  ….. and he did.

  Cleaning lady was here last week and she drives me batshit. I’ve never before seen anyone clean a home with such mediocrity, or so slowly . No matter how many times I try to explain that I’ll pay the same amount if it takes 2 hours or 7 she just insists on spending  6 hrs + screwing the pooch . While here this time I asked her if she’d seen the missing scrubby sponge we keep at the kitchen sink and she said “ No … haven’t seen it. ” Well I just had and as I didn’t anymore I checked the trash and even secretly the cleaning ladies supplies to finally come to the conclusion that the cat dragged it outside and one of the macaws picked it up to pad the nest. 

  This brings us back to when the concrete guy who would be better suited in the plumbing trades than pouring cement removed the toilet and called me in to witness the problem with the toilet. It was the kitchen scrubby sponge lodged in the pipe below the floor level having made its way through the bends in the toilet. This brings a ball of fear to the pit of my stomach every time I think that the kitchen sponge didn’t get flushed last time she was here …..

 My favorite scene in the Robert Redford film Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid was when they first arrived in Bolivia and disembarked the train somewhere in its center to be confronted by a nasty grubby scene complete with routing pigs. Butch piped up with ….

 “Well ,  all of Bolivia can’t look like this” and Sundance’s retort was ….

“ How do you know ? maybe people travel for 100s of miles just to see this spot “

 The city of Cartago where I presently sit would likely be touted by travel writers as vibrant and alive and I suppose that’s so. Its residents and native born expats like my wife will often describe it as “ My beautiful Cartago ” and fearful of sounding disrespectful I never disagree . Though in truth it really isn’t the fact that it’s not a particularly handsome city doesn’t hinder my liking it at all. In secret I think the word “gritty” to be a slightly more truthful descriptive . That is until the daily magic moment occurs .

Between 4 and 4:30 p.m. daily I find myself at one of the local sidewalk corner establishments to drink my beer and indulge my interests of street watching . The magic begins before the end of the first liter of beer as by then the sun has reached the angle in the sky that creates a surrealistic orange colored lighting that somehow turns gritty into beauty and traffic becomes entertaining . Then again , it could be the beer offering a helping hand .   

 Each corner that I choose to sit at usually has stop signs on one side or another and sometimes just for fun I try to count how many vehicles blow through the intersection without actually stopping. It’s a lot easier to count the ones that do as it seems only absolute necessity forces the issue and someone stops . It’s an endless parade of new cars and SUVs mixed with 1974 Renaults , 1968 Ford flatbed trucks and 1970s era Dodge dump trucks , 1950s Willys jeeps, horse drawn carts, large advertisements towed on trailers and of course uncountable motorcycles .

 Went to a small town in the Andes yesterday literally perched on the side of an incredibly steep mountainside creating the need that many of its a its sidewalks to actually be stairs . Vibrant and alive does not apply there and no need at all to wait for that magic moment to marvel at the spotless beauty of the place and its surroundings as it’s all day long. We sat at a corner for a coffee and the traffic was far different . Few cars were on the road and I spotted only two motorcycles but the time invested in my local fascination with Colombian street corners still proved worthwhile .

 The man came over the crest of the hill dressed in the traditional Colombian woven hat with the rolled up poncho over the shoulder . He was pushing a shopping cart that was likely once owned by a supermarket down in the valley far below and it was piled high with boxes of God knows what . Suddenly a war with gravity erupted and two long skid marks appeared on the road at alarming speed while the height of his boot heels diminished just as rapidly. Unwilling to let go he miraculously maneuvered his pilfered shopping cart around a corner. 

 As we left town I noticed the street he had turned down was in fact much steeper than the one he escaped and dead ended at the steep mountainside . And that’s all I know apart from the fact that no matter how diverse this place can be ….. the streets are dangerous everywhere

 Got up yesterday morning with a somewhat painful stomach . This may not exactly be an unusual affliction for a Gringo traveler in South America and let me tell ya, this Gringo has experienced some epic stomach ailments while down south over the years . This abdominal distress however was special . I’m unaware of any medical or scientific explanation for it but I do know both the origins and the cause . 

 It came from an evening at Alberto’s Tienda, our favorite local corner store where numerous members of the barrio had gathered to drink beer, tell stories and as usual laugh . Most of us laughed so hard and for so long we were brought to tears and in my case …. until my stomach hurt . I’ve had countless evenings just like it at that corner store over the years and once wrote a little story about it called “59 Pace’s to Happiness ‘ should you like a little descriptive of it . 

 The laughter is over now as the owner and landlord of the large building that has been home to the store and numerous friends for countless years has decided to sell. Tomorrow will be the last day of the endless stream of locals who enter its doors every single day to pick up a necessity or a want or just to chat as has been going on for nearly a century . Alberts found another place to reestablish his store in a different barrio far enough away to require a cab ride to visit and we wish him all the best at the new locale .It’s possible the new location may prove more profitable for him but  I hold a secret hope that whoever purchases the building might be interested in renting to Albert and he would come back . I’ll admit that’s just my own selfish thoughts ….. 

 After all , who can’t use a laughter induced painful stomach just 59 paces from the front door ?

  There are some very scientific and rather in depth studies on sound and the descriptive word that some use for sound and others noise seems to be decibels . My brief perusal of what these scientists have to say on the topic makes me realize that had they asked I might have provided further information for them to digest . I’ve come to learn a great deal about the topic .

  It’s raining right now and though it’s difficult to explain how that correlates to a wedding we attended yesterday I shall make an effort . The wedding of a nephew in Colombia brought family from far and wide to congregate three days before the event . There were local Aunts , Uncle’s and Cousins along with others from cities two hours away and besides the wife and I, a family group from the United States that hadn’t been seen in two years along with some of the newest additions . This family was given a big welcome on the night they arrived and it took place at my house .

  The house has a very nice ceiling of wood slats richly stained an appropriate color for the age of the home all nailed securely and butted up to each other tightly and the hired Mariachi band set up all their instruments and “sound” equipment beneath it . They were quite good and right on que here in Colombia no matter how loud the music someone will always call out for more volume . This call forced me to take refuge outside while the vibrations inside  caused pounds of dust from the 100 year old attic to work its way through the butted slats requiring dustpans full to be swept out in the morning . 

  Now scientists may have some formula to calculate what decibels are and at what point they become harmful to human ears ……  I have my own theories on this . One is that when three quarters of a can of beer can dance its way unassisted across the table we have crossed the threshold from sound to … noise , but hey I accept that’s probably just me . As I write I’m treated to the calming and quiet sound of rain slowly dripping onto the bathroom ceiling caused  by two clay barrel tiles on the roof that were shaken loose as we passed that sound to noise threshold much like a fighter jet punching its way through the sound barrier .

 Not to make light of a serious subject but there are times I might not consider deafness to be any kind of handicap at all ….

 When you’re happy and you know it clap your hands is the beginning of an old tune considered a children’s song by some and a drinking song by others . I’m thinking it might be a bit difficult to clap your hands effectively while flipping someone the bird with one of them . Then again, not everyone feels the need to flip the bird .

 Once a year the United Nations issues something known as the World Happiness report and rates some 150+ nations in a descending list taking into consideration some fourteen topics ranging from economic and social issues to social engagement , law and order , health , etc. Seems that the Scandinavian countries are doing something right as the United Nations gallup poll rates them as tops in world happiness with consistency. Now apart from viewing large portions of Scandinavia from the deck of a distant ship I have no personal impressions to relate about that . I do have personal impressions of my own home country of the United States that is rated a relatively high number 12 this year as well as my present location of Colombia that came in much lower at number 76 .   

  I can’t help but note that for sure the struggles of daily life here in Colombia are by far and away greater than the average American’s struggle which sways the somewhat sad Colombian rating of 76 . I mean how do you explain the painful experience of paying $400 more for tires for the F150 than you did two years prior to someone with no concept of ever having such a vehicle , or even ever acquiring $ 400 ? With that in mind my last visit to Colombia was two years prior and while some things may have changed a bit one thing has remained a rock solid and let me tell you what that is …..

  In the short time since my arrival back here in Colombia I have heard without any exaggeration more laughter, more jokes and polite conversation than in the entire past two years back home  . I left a place rated 12 in happiness where most of my neighbors would rather cross the street than suffer having to make contact and yet here the wife and I cannot walk a street without someone crossing that street to greet and offer a pleasant social moment . While I type this I’m being observed by some very colorful parrots and even they seem quite content in great contrast to the large hawk in my backyard back home the day before we left . He’d killed a squirrel and though with more than ample food clutched in his talons ….. He still sounded angry and pissed much the same as his local human counterparts

This would be no more nor less typical of reams of my travel tales I relate though not near as often as I might have in the past, be that fortunate or not . The three hour extremely early morning trip into the nightmarish traffic that surrounds the Miami International Airport was relatively smooth if that statement could be honestly made. Likewise the check in at the airport which no longer permits online departure check ins for the destination I headed for ,

 Seven hours from the time we woke that morning  found the wife and I finally seated in our assigned seats on that southbound jet airliner . As we were seated in the very last row at the back of the plane we were pleasantly surprised that some airlines have finally figured it out and have people assigned to seats in the rear of the aircraft board first and so it was an easy sprint down the aisle with the ability to quickly stow our carry on items and await departure. 

While the wife entertained herself with the goings on outside from her window seat I watched from my center seat all the other passengers board until every single seat was filled but one . That seat being the aisle seat next to me and I just couldn’t believe my luck … I mean I’m just never that fortunate . Everyone got their gear stowed and settled in and then it happened, the almost late arrival of one last passenger and as he made his appearance I couldn’t help but utter numerous un repeatables barely under my breath. 

 The largest man at Miami International Airport boarded my plane to take the last remaining seat right next to me. Three and a half hour flight with half a human body draped over my arm rest and a penchant for snoring ….. And I still can’t believe my luck

I can’t help it but It seems I just keep developing new dislikes all the time and as of late I’ve grown to dislike windows . I mean I can tolerate sliding windows , double hung windows, hurricane rated impact windows and even possibly under duress bay windows . But Windows 11 just completely bites my sack .

Acquired a new laptop recently to take along when I’m away from home and just recently started to use it in order to familiarize myself with the windows 11 operating system that some maniac touted as being a very intuitive system to use . After a few days of playing around with it I’m here to tell the author of that statement to get in line and bite my sack . I mean it just seems to make sense that once you’ve developed a wheel as round as Windows 7 any further improvements just sends us back to a square and even square 1 would be my preference .

I miss the freebees in the older Windows 7 that worked perfectly … like Word . Now it needs to be purchased for $ 99.00 a year and I do realize there may be options but the fact is I started to write this article on the new laptop and became distracted and so used one of those options and saved it to a file somewhere. Never saw it again …. its hidden deep into the catacombs somewhere to appear again one day long after it’s been forgotten . And what about the ads ? I do mean lots of ads . I’m not much of a gamer but on occasion I’ll have a quiet twenty minutes to play chess against the computer or even Mahjong and I’m here to tell ya it’s a bit difficult to concentrate when little movies pop up next to the chess board trying to sell me relief from jock itch or womens panties or something .

The new operating system has something else called Co Pilot or AI something or some such bullshit . I was enticed by its offer to ask it for solutions to anything and so I asked ….

” How do I ban ads on my new lap top ? ”

Instantly it started typing reams of solutions for me to peruse and on and on they came . Unfortunately most of these solutions were difficult to read as this advertisement touting a $30 ad blocking software kept jumping out and getting in the way …..

One afternoon in the spring of 1969 I rode away from Naults Bicycle Shop on my brand new Schwinn Varsity drop handle 10 speed bicycle after having placed an even $92 hard earned dollars on the counter for it . That $92 dollars represented a few months of full weekends hauling golf clubs around 18 hilly holes for golfers back when golfers were still fit enough to walk . I owned that Schwinn for 24 years before I repeated that same scenario by placing $559.99 on that very same counter and rode off from Naults Bicycle Shop once again . This time it was on a Trek 930 twenty one speed Mountain Bike and I still have the original sales receipt dated Sept. 11, 1993 …. and the bike is out in the garage right now ..

Now back when that old Schwinn was $92 bucks I knew an awful lot of adults who needed to work a full week to bring home a weekly paycheck equivalent to the value of that bike and mine was the only one of it’s kind for miles around as most parents of my friends couldn’t afford it. Neither could mine . When I purchased the American made Trek for $599.99 in 1993 it represented less than two days pay for the skills I had to offer at that time while the average rent was 20% of an average rent today .

The Trek hasn’t seen a lot of use over the last few years, the shift and brake cables had frayed and the tire’s refused to hold air for more than three days and as its owners age marched on the forward leaning configuration of a mountain bike became more and more uncomfortable . I suppose I’ve just come full circle as the price of an expensive new bike would no longer be equal to less than two days pay but instead closer to a few months of carrying golf clubs just like the purchase price of the old Schwinn . So we hit Plan B …

Plan B entailed replacing the knobby tires on the Trek with something more street worthy … cool looking ones with tan sidewalls that matched the new tan handlebar grips . A new handlebar stem bringing the riders position up to something more comfortable . And new shifters with replacement cables for them and the brakes and all of this took but $70 and a pleasant day in the garage . And the bike looks very cool for something that would now be deemed vintage and I was now thinking of a rack on the back with the ability of carrying a 12 pack home from the local ABC liquor store .

Took it out on its maiden voyage around the local streets last week and when I brought it home and entered the driveway I dismounted like I used to as a young man only with a difference . I went over sideways to land hard on a hip on the concrete with a resulting bruise and an obviously broken blood vessel as that small bruise has grown longer heading further South towards the knee with every passing day. Just goes to show ….

…. man my age shouldn’t be riding bicycles sober

My old 2002 Ford F150 had a very polite horn . Just tap it with the right side of the right fist and it would emit a very mild and soft beep which was great to comfortably get someones attention with out sounding offensive if you didn’t want . Not so with the present F150 as regardless of how discreet a beep you’d like to emit it comes out loud and belligerent and perhaps the designers and engineers are actually on to something because loud and belligerent is becoming more necessary all the time .

We were sitting 5th in line at one of those intersections that our town is famous for in that you can listen to two commercials and an entire song on the radio before getting a green to take a left . At the first hint of green three vehicles immediately drove off while the little one in front of me sat like a lump of coal requiring more than one loud and belligerent beep from me . By the time I became involved in a full blown laying on the horn some guy three cars behind was doing the same and the racket finally caused the lump of coal to look up from the phone and into the rearview mirror with that classic look of a mouth breather before stepping on the gas .

Leaving most of the line of traffic still stranded four of us behind him sped through the stale green turning to red light to take our lefts onto the busy three lane road . The other horn blower quickly passed me on the right and I’m guessing he didn’t see the little car in front of me as he was making gestures and mouthing words at me on his way by .

” Did he just yell ” Thank You ” …. asked the wife

” No Hon , I don’t believe the first word out of his mouth was Thank “

Decades ago and shortly after my marriage one of my sister in laws offered me some advice about those from where she’s from in attempt to explain Colombian logic …
” We think differently ” she offered and I’ve never doubted it since .

My married life has run some parallels to the married life of my parents , kind of same kind of different in some respects . When my Mother came to the United States in the early 1960s it was with one proviso and that being that she would return to England every year to visit her parents and my Father was in full agreement . While growing up their summer separations seemed quite normal to me and so I’ve always felt rather guiltless at my encouragement that my own foreign born bride visit her family annually as well … and at length . There are a couple of items in the equation where those parallels take a sharp 90 degree turn however .

One sharp right is the financial picture of the past 33 years in that Dad never missed a single week without a paycheck in his entire life and so Mom’s annual trek was never a serious financial burden . In contrast I’ve experienced some mighty skinny financial times over the years and whenever those woefully sorry periods appeared I may have balked once or twice at the price of her annual ticket only to be confronted with that Colombian logic . Immediately at any signs of my wavering the family South would offer their thoughts on the topic ….

” The ticket is only $350 … you don’t have $350 ? ” and to this day they’ve never grasped the rest . Like the wife’s lack of income for the 6-8 weeks she’s gone or the money to spend while there . Toss in the sundries like the gifts to bring and that paltry $350 has morphed into excess of $ 3,500 .

Another parallel with a bend in it is that over the last few years I’ve come to accompany the wife on these visits and in fact we’re gearing up for a trip back to to the wife’s homeland soon. This means one thing is a certainty , a marathon of shopping needs to take place prior to departure . Fresh additions to the wardrobe and presents need acquiring thus requiring endless hours at malls and Walmart with the only respite from that drudgery being the time perusing everyone’s favorite … Amazon Prime online .

” Maybe we should think about the need for all of this Hon ” is what I offered as I looked over her shoulder at the Amazon website on the screen which brought a swift taste of Colombian logic …
” They are only $18 – $24 gifts … don’t be a tacaño ” {cheapskate} and for sure $18 – $24 is a very affordable gift ….. until the number in The Cart tops 32

Whether you are a U.S. Military Veteran or not I’m definitely sure you are familiar with the words …

” Thank You for Your Service ”

It’s a meaningless statement . It’s nothing more than a few words that Corporations instruct employees to blurt out at every opportunity to encourage sales . It may have meant something at one time but I don’t believe it does now …. it’s fake . Salvatore “Sammy the Bull” Gravano get’s more respect than U.S. Military Generals and all those who served under them .

General Mark Milley, former Joint Chiefs Chairman
General James Mattis, former Defense Secretary
General John Kelley former Chief of Staff
General Barry McCaffrey
General John Allen
Admiral McRaven …. and there are plenty more

These guys are just a quick few from the top who’ve invested a lifetime in service to the United States . I doubt you will but you really should … you really should Google their names and read their histories . And what they have to say . It would take someone special in my eyes to be able to use these men as a character reference and for sure someone even more special to be worthy of their disdain.

Salvatore “Sammy the Bull” Gravano was a big time New York gangster that confessed to being involved in 19 murders and our former President is proud to offer him praise and use him as a character reference . After all, Sammy the Bull did say ….. Trump is a good Guy …. I’d say that’s scraping the barrel , wouldn’t you ?

Thank You for your service “Sammy the Bull”

Here in my Florida town there are a few young guys who parade around flying large flags mounted to their pickup trucks all day . Large Ugly flags most commonly emblazoned with their desire to fornicate Biden . In fact they seem to spend so much time at it I’m not so certain when they find time for gainful employment and along those lines we have opportunity to see one of them up close as he shows up to attempt to sell rusty junk at a swap meet we attend on occasional Sundays.

I was told it’s a free country and he’s free to do this if he wants and while exercising that freedom we could hear him loudly tell us all that ” He don’t give a fuck ” if he’s offensive . All this while advertising his sexual desires of Biden on his big billowing flags. So in the name of freedom we all have to look away  …. Meanwhile the Escambia County School District in north Florida has removed dictionaries in fear the children may read something in them .

All it takes for the removal of said dictionaries in the state of Florida is a single objection from only one Mother and all the Mothers that may have wanted their children to have access to a dictionary can … well they can go fornicate themselves .

The picture I’ve inserted here isn’t of a copy of Gender Queer with it’s explicit descriptives …. it’s a dictionary, and it’s been removed from schools

and we’re afraid of …. WOKE ?

It’s 67 degrees in my house at the moment while the outside temperature is a bit lower than that. Those who still reside up north will have little sympathy over that statement I’m sure, but for a guy who hasn’t been north of Ocala Florida in nine years it’s kind of forced an issue . Generally the thermostat in my house is set at 77 degrees and that feels quite comfortable when the outside temps are a high of 94 with an equal humidity percentage .. but when the temps in the house hit 67 something needs to be done .

Thirty years ago my Mother gifted me a zippered V neck pull over for my 38th birthday and I still have it showing it has easily survived it’s lack of use in the Florida climate . In fact I just put it on and it’s wonderful . It’s just the perfect snuggly item to wear in a house that’s 67 degrees and once again I need say … Thanks Mom .

Been a very different season here in Florida so far this year in that over the past twenty two years I can never remember so many days of all day rain whether it be summer or winter . We’ve even gone days at a time of overcast skies these past 2-3 months that I’d never experienced here in the Sunshine State before . I made the mistake of repeating that fact to others a few times as of late and it seems to bring what is now an expected response considering our present other climate …. a sarcastic snarl .

” Oh Right … Climate Change ”

I guess I should expect nothing less as we all so readily turn everything into something political. In this case a politician easily convinced us that scientists are all in on the hoax because they all have a political agenda …. and can’t be trusted . What if it is a hoax … what if it’s not ? One of my favorite internet memes is the large group of Greenie protesters waving their placards and one of them is asking his buddy …..

” What if it really is a hoax and we tried to Save the Planet for nothing ? “

I believe it’s been nine years years now since the start of every effort to make Americans believe they should be unhappy began in earnest . Coincidentally that was about the time Mr. Trump came on the scene and never a single day since has passed that we haven’t been bombarded by his presence in the media or on our lips and someone was right about the unhappiness ….. we haven’t been happy since . I remember how I didn’t want to be unhappy as things were actually going pretty good for me ten years ago but it seemed a majority were unhappy being happy and so we voted in a “hairdo and a can of tan” to make it all better for us

There was hope on my part that when the man ended his four year shit show and was voted out we could go without listening to the endless ridiculous drivel and go back to some sort of normalcy again even if it was not exactly what we wanted . But that hope was forlorn for sure and the endless absurdity just keeps coming every single day … and embraced by a nation of misery addicts . But something caught my ear yesterday and it did in fact raise my hopes …

Richard Nixon once argued that, “If the president does it, it’s legal,”

With that in mind the “Do with a Canned Tan” doesn’t claim any innocence of his crimes but instead claims Presidential immunity .Trump’s lawyers literally argued in court that Trump, as president, could send Navy Seals to assassinate his political opponents and he would be immune from the law. That’s a heck of an argument to put before the American people but the moment I heard it I did once more experience hope .

My immediate thought was ……

” Do it Joe …. do it “

Near on twenty three years ago I moved into what I considered to be at that time a very typical American neighborhood in suburbia. It was very neat and tidy and it was fun . I’m still here in the neighborhood and things do refuse to remain the same for over those twenty three years I’ve watched it morph and change into what I would now consider to be …. a very typical American neighborhood in suburbia .

When I came here I brought something with me that may come as a shock to some who as of late write me nasty emails over things I may say . I brought a hardcore conservative mindset if anyone remembers what that used to be. It certainly wasn’t the same then as it is now. It was the disdain of social benefit cheats , it was the image of the rugged individual and the embracement of self reliance and personal responsibility . The wife and I were friends with a next door neighbor and it was four years before we even knew he voted Democrat and I don’t believe it mattered one whit to him that I was not as we had other things on our minds back then .

Now the neighborhood spends most of it’s time trying to avoid each other making eye contact only when they need some help or suffer an accidental meeting …… like the mailbox meeting with someone across the road the other day . She was quite shaken up over the fact that Colorado removed Trump from the ballot and needed to tell me all about it having nothing else on her mind . I offered her my sympathy as I suppose he should have been convicted of the crime first.

” You know Rich , I do believe we are going to see a civil war in this country ” and she seemed earnest … almost hopeful

I mentioned it was a shame that she allowed someone to plant that seed in her mind and offered some advice …

” Well if it does come to that just don’t come over to my side ” ….

” Rich, I’m not sure I even know what side you are on ” she was puzzled …

” I mean my side of the street , because if anyone brings their civil war over to my house I’ll shoot em no matter what side they think they’re on .”

Mexico makes me laugh with their “ariba su culo” attitude towards us . Recently our own State Dept. representatives had to travel to Mexico and get on their knees before the Mexican President and promise to swallow in exchange for help with the immigrant crisis . He did in fact claim he would indeed help before he let them …. swallow .

Remember how kool we all thought it was to have a President that wasn’t politically correct ? How great it was to have someone tell it like it is ? We all listened with pride while our President loudly bellowed to the world his insults of Mexico and Mexicans while laying claim he’d make them pay for his great big beautiful wall . The very moment he quoted to us all that … ” They are not our friend “…. I knew he had just made that a certain fact and any and all help we might wish from Mexico would be rather slow in …. coming .

That doesn’t mean I believe he’s the only one ” cupable” as they say south of the border as our present administration has proven a dismal failure at securing the border . Otherwise he wouldn’t have had to send our representatives down to Mexico with their knee pads on.

Halfway through the year in 2022 the free state of Texas in it’s endless protection of American freedom from government involvement in peoples lives banned abortion . Quick as a bunny just the other side of the wall the Mexican Government legalized it across the board . Sort of a little FU going on there I thought and I have little doubt that untold amounts of women from Texas have found reason to vacation on the other side of that wall seeking access to Mexican clinics . Sales of cheap Chinese implements capable of cutting through the multi billion dollar wall have been brisk in Mexico as is apparent by the on average eleven fresh holes cut through it every single day . Texas women would be wise to take advantage of these holes and not waste time at overly crowded border crossings .

Well the President of Mexico was quick to show how much he wanted to help after his meeting with Scuff Knee Blinken and immediately sent his bulldozers north to destroy a makeshift immigrant camp or two on the border . This of course was looked upon with great approval by the great American thinkers here in the U.S. that believed that ” This will help deter them ” . But it was really just another big FU from Mexico because now that the camps have been bulldozed their residents aren’t going to head anywhere but …. north .

The origins of this problem is south …. and so is the solution