Years ago we used to do our grocery shopping at a local Market Basket and on one memorably busy Thursday night I found myself at the checkout behind a woman and her egg headed thirteen year old son when some one let loose the foulest of all silent ones. Every one looked pained but were too polite to comment until the woman paid up and hurried for the door with the egg headed kid who turned to me and said……
” Couldn’t ya have waited till ya got outside? ” and scurried after Mom leaving everyones eyes on me
Well even though completely innocent the fact that I turned beet red only drove home to all the likely hood that I was indeed the culprit. That deep and intense humiliation at the hands of that child in the store has left me to this day with the fear of Christ that I may pass in public……and get caught.
It was the wife’s birthday the other day and God love her, ever the cheap date, she chose a take away meal at Sonny’s Barbecue. The two samplers were OK but the pork left us both extremely bloated and suffering a little discomfort which I still suffered in the morning.This didn’t prevent me,of course, from finishing the leftovers for breakfast before heading out to Walmart. By the time we got to Walmart I knew this was going to be a shopping expedition fraught with discomfort and as I got out of the truck I let loose. I’m talking letting loose of the magnitude that could start a four day argument with the wife. I’m talking one of those wafters that can literally chase a man clean across a parking lot and then force him to hang out at the entrance with the cigarette smokers for a while before actually entering the store. This was not looking good as even the smokers quickly stubbed out and went shopping.
The shopping expedition was pure discomfort and kept getting worse as it just kept perkin and I kept urging Maggie to speed it up a little until it had to be done….emergency measures had to be taken and I had to abandon the wife and quickly find the quietest nearby spot. As I stood there giving birth to what was undoubtably the Mack Daddy Walmart Fart of all time my usual luck prevailed and a Mother and strollered child rounded the corner to share my interest in womens hair coloring. Looking at the child Mom said……
” My God Aaron !” and I quickly added……
” Wow Kid I wouldn’t want to change your diaper ”
” I’m really embarrassed ” said Mom and she headed out for the nappy room as young Aaron did what all children do in Walmart ….he cried. And I beat a hasty retreat to study tropical fish.
What goes around comes around……..
